Thursday, March 26, 2009

Today's Tanorexic: Kelly Ripa

I don't really have a problem with Kelly Ripa, especially since she replaced that harpie Kathie Lee on that morning show. I just wish she'd put on a few pounds and stay away from the Mystic Tan.

Kelly Ripa gets a six out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"It's a nice shade of orange, but you're just not skanky enough, brother!"

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Today's Tanorexic: From eBaum's World

I just couldn't get over this one. It comes from the awesome eBaum's World. Click the pic below for more!

Hogan can't comment. His head just exploded from sheer envy.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Kenley Penley?

My wife is a huge fan of Project Runway. The only season I've ever seen was this past one that included that thundering cuntdumpling, Kenley "Tugboat Girl" Collins. I never understood how anyone could tolerate this awful woman, but now it appears her true colors have finally shown themselves. Apparently she attacked her fiance, Zak Penley, with their cat, her laptop and three apples before slamming his head in a door and dousing him in water. One of the posters at the wonderful Project Rungay stated:

"All I could think was: 'You have a cat, a computer and three apples. Make it work!'"

I can't help but wonder if maybe Alexander McQueen threw a cat and then she just copied him.

Teenagers: Want to tan? In Texas, you might need a doctor's note

Texas lawmakers are proposing limits on teenage tanning bed use. Eh, I don't feel like writing about it. Just click the tanorexic chick below.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Today's Tanorexic: Brooke Hogan (again!)

I think I'm going to just stop calling it "Your Daily Tanorexic," since I keep forgetting to update. Maybe getting some hatemail will inspire me.

Here's our patron saint with his classy, intelligent daughter. Why the hell is he "presenting" his daughter's crotch? I think he's saying, "See? There's no bulge down there! She doesn't have a wenis like everyone is saying."

The Hogans get a ten out of ten, of course.

"It's got everything! Orange tan, bleached polyester extensions, and my son daughter, brother!"

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Your Daily Tanorexic: Kim Stewart

I'm hardly a fan of her, her dad or her disgusting brother, but that's one hell of a tangerine tan, especially compared to her companions, Mark McGrath and Scott Storch.

It's like Satan gave himself an enema and popped out these three turds.

Kimbo gets an eight out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"The tan is awesome, but you need to share, brother!"

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Your Daily Tanorexic: Anna Nicole Smith

Ah, Anna. Rest in peace. You were one of the great tanorexics of my generation and you are sorely missed.

Hogan was too upset over Anna to comment on this one.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Your Daily Tanorexic: Lizzy "Fuck you white trash" Grubman

What ever happened to this nasty piece of work? I remember when she slammed a bunch of innocent people up against a nightclub wall with her ghetto SUV a few years ago. After that, I think she had a TV show and gave beauty tips in some article. I distinctly remember her saying something about getting spray tans to preserve her skin. WTF? This beast giving beauty tips is kind of like Mike Tyson giving advice on anger management.

Oh and her tan is just awful.

Lizzie Grubman gets a six out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"The orange tan is great, but points off for the visible ribcage and Freddy Kruger teeth, brother!"

Friday, March 6, 2009

Tanorexia in the news

The Canadian News just published an article on "safe" indoor tanning. I didn't realized tanning beds still exist! I remember my high school girlfriend going to a tanning bed before prom and coming out completely orange and smelling like a burned hot dog. She tried to claim it was natural and I figured I'd pretend to believe her as long as I got some. I didn't. I should have called the fried bitch on her lies and her Eau de Fried Spam scent. Her puss would have been like fucking the skin of a hot dog I imagine.

Anyway, here's a dime a dozen tanorexic for you.

BLEEEARRRGGGHHHH!!!! It's like a turd and the corn within it decided mate and grow features. Ugly, turdy features.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Your Daily Tanorexic: Jessucka Simpleton

The Simpson sisters have one brain cell and a hell of a lot of Mystic Tan between them.

This particular photo of Jess has a more yellow color than normal. What would we call it? Honeydew melon? Rotten pineapple? I can't decide.

Jess gets an eight out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"It matches my headband better than my orange skin, brother!"

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Your Daily Tanorexic: Ashlee "Bronx Mowgli" Simpson

Ugh. First she tells girls to be happy with themselves, then she runs off and gets plastic surgery. Granted, she was a triple bagger before, but now? Just looks like another Hollywood bimbo married to the biggest douchebag in "Punk-Pop" music and has given birth to an unfortunately named child. She looks like Dr. Shar from that old MTV show, Daria. I'll see if I can find a pic later.

Anyway, here's Asshole Simpleton post-surgery and Mystic Tan.

Simpson gets a four out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"I love the uneven tan, hair extensions and fake lips. You almost look like my daughter, but the tan isn't orange enough, brother!"

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Your Daily Tanorexic: 2 for 1 special!

I will never understand why people try to emulate Victoria Beckham. Yes she's rich and married to a very famous soccer star, but she's a plastic, tanorexic bag-of-bones whose husband cheats on her. How happy can she possibly be? She looks like a second rate blow up doll.

Anyway, here's another complete no talent trying to be Posh Spice. I don't understand this chick's appeal, either:

Eva Longoria is famous for being famous, pretty much. I love how when she started getting into movies, she made a disparaging comment about how she wasn't pathetic enough to be doing "Desperate Housewives" in five years and she was glad to be breaking into movies.

Well, several years and several bombs later, she seems grateful for "Desperate Botox Wives."

Eva and Posh both get a two on the Hogan Hue scale.

"It's fake-looking, but not nearly orange enough, brothers!"

The 15 Funniest Skits From "Whose Line Is It Anyway"?

I am a huge fan of Whose Line Is It Anyway" and have been since I discovered the old BBC versions. Colin Mochrie is a genius!

Anyway, Unreality posted the 15 greatest Whose Line skits. Check it out!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Your Daily Tanorexic: Lisa "Hemorrhoid Lips" Rinna

Lisa Rinna's anus lips tend to detract from the awesomeness of her orange spray tan. She deserves more attention for her neon glow skin!

Lisa Rinna gets a four out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"Your earthworm lips are taking away from your tangerine tan, brother!"

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Beauty Queen Almost Tanned Herself to Death.

From the UK Telegraph. Click on the former Miss Maryland in question to see the whole story!

Hmm, she doesn't seem very orange or leathery to me.

This chick gets a two out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"You're on the right track, but not quite there yet! Try mixing iodine and baby oil, brother!"