Thursday, February 26, 2009

Your Daily Tanorexic: A Complete Waste of a Human Life

I loathe Paris Hilton. I hope she is someday covered in honey and tied to a tree somewhere in the woods, Elizabeth Bathory style. Here is a person who has been given every advantage, every opportunity in the world and chooses to live her life as a worthless, racist, stupid, ignorant party slut.

Rant over. Let's get to how gross she and her tan are:

This thundercunt gets a 10 out of 10 on the Hogan Hue scale.

"It's orange, it's phony, it's skanky, it's got it all, brother!"

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Your Daily Tanorexic

Jessica Simpson has been getting a lot of attention for her weight lately, (I think she looks good,) but she deserves more attention for her tangerine tan. In the future, I will post more pics of Jessica's ever-changing skin color.

Jessica gets a seven out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"Your gaping piehole distracts from the beauty of your tan, brother!"

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Fail Stickers

I wish I had thought of this.

Your Daily Tanorexic: Aubrey O'Day

I don't know who this Aubrey O'Day person is, but she gives Paris Hilton a run for her money in the tanorexia department as well as the wonky eye department.

Aubrey gets a 10 out of 10 on the Hogan Hue scale.

"Love the orange tan, brother! With the yellow straw hair extensions, you look like my daughter! May I put sunscreen on your ass?"

Monday, February 23, 2009

Your Daily Tanorexic: Balthazar Getty

I seriously doubt now that Balthazar left his wife. She must have thrown him out after he spent their fortune on Mystic Tan and cigarettes for his skanky girlfriend.

Getty gets an eight out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale. Unfortunately, there appears to be a bit of a sunburn on top of his fabulous faux tan, making it less orange and therefore, not worthy of a ten.

Hulkster digs the orange skin and the cradle-robbing infidelity, brother!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Your Daily Tanorexic: Tara "Bunny Lebowski" Reid

I had computer trouble yesterday thanks to my wife downloading nekkid pics of Christopher Meloni AGAIN. So here's the belated tanorexic of the day!

Poor Tara Reid. She's going to look like this stunning beauty below by next week if she doesn't start using sunscreen instead of Crisco on her skin.

Tara ranks an eight out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"Your tan is too brown! Two points off for lack of orange tone, brother!"

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Fuck Yeah Neil Patrick Harris

NPH has become such an amazing cult figure ever since he restarted his career in "Harold and Kumar." Here is a great blog celebrating his awesomeness.

Your Daily Tanorexic

Let's start this out right with the patron saint of tanorexia, Hulk Hogan. Any unattractive, unnatural and downright hideous tan will be covered in this feature, but the majority of bad tans are this particular color not found in nature. From here on out, this particular color will be known as "Hulk Hogan Orange" or "Hogan Hue." I haven't quite hit the right note on that one yet.

"We bathe in carrot juice and hemorrhoid cream daily, brother!"

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Hilarious, but silly tshirt

The "penis sticking out of pants" shirt. I'd like to wear one next time I stand up to ask a question when I'm in the audience on Oprah.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Video Guide to Successful Seduction

So cheesy. So serious. So beautifully '80s.

I would love to know if anyone actually scored by using this in an un ironic way.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Gawker: DC Will Never Be Cool

I hate DC. I've been in this hellhole for 10 years and I'm leaving soon. I'd rather suck stale farts out of air cushions than stay here any longer, which is why I'm loving this article!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Shelter Kitty Cam!

Several animal shelters have started live feeds of their rescued animals. My particular favorite is from Shadow Cat rescue in Austin:

Kitty Cam!

Vatican states that Darwin is compatible with Christianity?

I would expect this from a Unitarian or Episcopalian church, but the Vatican? First Obama gets elected, now the Catholic church is coming around! I actually have hope for us!

Catholics wising up.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Best. Comic. Ever

From Pants of Death: