Smashed Ass

Another tanorexia article from the UK

2009-04-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

I know I make fun of stupid orange tans, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Spray tans are the way to go, just don't overdo it!

Today's Tanorexic: Keira Knightley

2009-04-20T18:28:00.000-07:00

The tan's not so bad, it's the greasy skin, visible ribcage and ridiculous facial expression that got me.

Keira gets a 1 out of 10 on the Hogan Hue scale.

"Love the oily skin look, but you need more orange, brother!"

Today's Tanorexic: Jenna Jameson

2009-04-19T23:21:00.000-07:00

I lost some of my love for Jenna when she gave her boys those ridiculous names. However, after finally getting around to watching my copy of Zombie Strippers, my love has once again been renewed. Not that this tan didn't do it for me in the first place.

Oh, and a note on Hogan - I always loved the guy until he unleashed his revolting family upon the world. Now, my dislike has gone to fullblown loathing after his "I understand O.J." comments. Die in a fire, you moronic, tanorexic roidhead.

At any rate, Jenna gets an 8 out of 10 on the Hogan Hue scale.

"The tan is nice, but the silicone distracts from its beauty, brother!"

Today's Tanorexic: Male Barbie

2009-04-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

From DListed:

Click the pic to read more about Scotland's Male Barbie!

This guy gets a 10 out of 10 on the Hogan Hue scale.

"Whoa! For a second I was worried my daughter cut off all her luxurious plastic hair! I envy that tan, brother."

Today's Tanorexic: Kelly Ripa

2009-03-26T02:08:00.001-07:00

I don't really have a problem with Kelly Ripa, especially since she replaced that harpie Kathie Lee on that morning show. I just wish she'd put on a few pounds and stay away from the Mystic Tan.

Kelly Ripa gets a six out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"It's a nice shade of orange, but you're just not skanky enough, brother!"

Today's Tanorexic: From eBaum's World

2009-03-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

I just couldn't get over this one. It comes from the awesome eBaum's World. Click the pic below for more!

Hogan can't comment. His head just exploded from sheer envy.

Kenley Penley?

2009-03-18T18:53:00.000-07:00

My wife is a huge fan of Project Runway. The only season I've ever seen was this past one that included that thundering cuntdumpling, Kenley "Tugboat Girl" Collins. I never understood how anyone could tolerate this awful woman, but now it appears her true colors have finally shown themselves. Apparently she attacked her fiance, Zak Penley, with their cat, her laptop and three apples before slamming his head in a door and dousing him in water. One of the posters at the wonderful Project Rungay stated:

"All I could think was: 'You have a cat, a computer and three apples. Make it work!'"

I can't help but wonder if maybe Alexander McQueen threw a cat and then she just copied him.

Teenagers: Want to tan? In Texas, you might need a doctor's note

2009-03-18T17:22:00.000-07:00

Texas lawmakers are proposing limits on teenage tanning bed use. Eh, I don't feel like writing about it. Just click the tanorexic chick below.

Today's Tanorexic: Brooke Hogan (again!)

2009-03-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to just stop calling it "Your Daily Tanorexic," since I keep forgetting to update. Maybe getting some hatemail will inspire me.

Here's our patron saint with his classy, intelligent daughter. Why the hell is he "presenting" his daughter's crotch? I think he's saying, "See? There's no bulge down there! She doesn't have a wenis like everyone is saying."

The Hogans get a ten out of ten, of course.

"It's got everything! Orange tan, bleached polyester extensions, and my ~~son~~ daughter, brother!"

Your Daily Tanorexic: Kim Stewart

2009-03-12T17:11:00.001-07:00

I'm hardly a fan of her, her dad or her disgusting brother, but that's one hell of a tangerine tan, especially compared to her companions, Mark McGrath and Scott Storch.

It's like Satan gave himself an enema and popped out these three turds.

Kimbo gets an eight out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"The tan is awesome, but you need to share, brother!"

Your Daily Tanorexic: Anna Nicole Smith

2009-03-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

Ah, Anna. Rest in peace. You were one of the great tanorexics of my generation and you are sorely missed.

Hogan was too upset over Anna to comment on this one.

Your Daily Tanorexic: Lizzy "Fuck you white trash" Grubman

2009-03-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

What ever happened to this nasty piece of work? I remember when she slammed a bunch of innocent people up against a nightclub wall with her ghetto SUV a few years ago. After that, I think she had a TV show and gave beauty tips in some article. I distinctly remember her saying something about getting spray tans to preserve her skin. WTF? This beast giving beauty tips is kind of like Mike Tyson giving advice on anger management.

Oh and her tan is just awful.

Lizzie Grubman gets a six out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"The orange tan is great, but points off for the visible ribcage and Freddy Kruger teeth, brother!"

Tanorexia in the news

2009-03-06T21:20:00.001-08:00

The Canadian News just published an article on "safe" indoor tanning. I didn't realized tanning beds still exist! I remember my high school girlfriend going to a tanning bed before prom and coming out completely orange and smelling like a burned hot dog. She tried to claim it was natural and I figured I'd pretend to believe her as long as I got some. I didn't. I should have called the fried bitch on her lies and her Eau de Fried Spam scent. Her puss would have been like fucking the skin of a hot dog I imagine.

Anyway, here's a dime a dozen tanorexic for you.

BLEEEARRRGGGHHHH!!!! It's like a turd and the corn within it decided mate and grow features. Ugly, turdy features.

Your Daily Tanorexic: Jessucka Simpleton

2009-03-05T18:16:00.000-08:00

The Simpson sisters have one brain cell and a hell of a lot of Mystic Tan between them.

This particular photo of Jess has a more yellow color than normal. What would we call it? Honeydew melon? Rotten pineapple? I can't decide.

Jess gets an eight out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"It matches my headband better than my orange skin, brother!"

Your Daily Tanorexic: Ashlee "Bronx Mowgli" Simpson

2009-03-04T14:27:00.000-08:00

Ugh. First she tells girls to be happy with themselves, then she runs off and gets plastic surgery. Granted, she was a triple bagger before, but now? Just looks like another Hollywood bimbo married to the biggest douchebag in "Punk-Pop" music and has given birth to an unfortunately named child. She looks like Dr. Shar from that old MTV show, Daria. I'll see if I can find a pic later.

Anyway, here's Asshole Simpleton post-surgery and Mystic Tan.

Simpson gets a four out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"I love the uneven tan, hair extensions and fake lips. You almost look like my daughter, but the tan isn't orange enough, brother!"

Your Daily Tanorexic: 2 for 1 special!

2009-03-03T11:35:00.000-08:00

I will never understand why people try to emulate Victoria Beckham. Yes she's rich and married to a very famous soccer star, but she's a plastic, tanorexic bag-of-bones whose husband cheats on her. How happy can she possibly be? She looks like a second rate blow up doll.

Anyway, here's another complete no talent trying to be Posh Spice. I don't understand this chick's appeal, either:

Eva Longoria is famous for being famous, pretty much. I love how when she started getting into movies, she made a disparaging comment about how she wasn't pathetic enough to be doing "Desperate Housewives" in five years and she was glad to be breaking into movies.

Well, several years and several bombs later, she seems grateful for "Desperate Botox Wives."

Eva and Posh both get a two on the Hogan Hue scale.

"It's fake-looking, but not nearly orange enough, brothers!"

The 15 Funniest Skits From "Whose Line Is It Anyway"?

2009-03-03T11:29:00.001-08:00

I am a huge fan of Whose Line Is It Anyway" and have been since I discovered the old BBC versions. Colin Mochrie is a genius!

Anyway, Unreality posted the 15 greatest Whose Line skits. Check it out!

Your Daily Tanorexic: Lisa "Hemorrhoid Lips" Rinna

2009-03-02T13:37:00.000-08:00

Lisa Rinna's anus lips tend to detract from the awesomeness of her orange spray tan. She deserves more attention for her neon glow skin!

Lisa Rinna gets a four out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"Your earthworm lips are taking away from your tangerine tan, brother!"

Beauty Queen Almost Tanned Herself to Death.

2009-03-01T11:53:00.000-08:00

From the UK Telegraph. Click on the former Miss Maryland in question to see the whole story!

Hmm, she doesn't seem very orange or leathery to me.

This chick gets a two out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"You're on the right track, but not quite there yet! Try mixing iodine and baby oil, brother!"

Your Daily Tanorexic: A Complete Waste of a Human Life

2009-02-26T15:15:00.000-08:00

I loathe Paris Hilton. I hope she is someday covered in honey and tied to a tree somewhere in the woods, Elizabeth Bathory style. Here is a person who has been given every advantage, every opportunity in the world and chooses to live her life as a worthless, racist, stupid, ignorant party slut.

Rant over. Let's get to how gross she and her tan are:

This thundercunt gets a 10 out of 10 on the Hogan Hue scale.

"It's orange, it's phony, it's skanky, it's got it all, brother!"

Your Daily Tanorexic

2009-02-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

Jessica Simpson has been getting a lot of attention for her weight lately, (I think she looks good,) but she deserves more attention for her tangerine tan. In the future, I will post more pics of Jessica's ever-changing skin color.

Jessica gets a seven out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"Your gaping piehole distracts from the beauty of your tan, brother!"

Fail Stickers

2009-02-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

I wish I had thought of this.

Your Daily Tanorexic: Aubrey O'Day

2009-02-24T09:54:00.000-08:00

I don't know who this Aubrey O'Day person is, but she gives Paris Hilton a run for her money in the tanorexia department as well as the wonky eye department.

Aubrey gets a 10 out of 10 on the Hogan Hue scale.

"Love the orange tan, brother! With the yellow straw hair extensions, you look like my daughter! May I put sunscreen on your ass?"

Your Daily Tanorexic: Balthazar Getty

2009-02-23T14:15:00.000-08:00

I seriously doubt now that Balthazar left his wife. She must have thrown him out after he spent their fortune on Mystic Tan and cigarettes for his skanky girlfriend.

Getty gets an eight out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale. Unfortunately, there appears to be a bit of a sunburn on top of his fabulous faux tan, making it less orange and therefore, not worthy of a ten.

Hulkster digs the orange skin and the cradle-robbing infidelity, brother!

Your Daily Tanorexic: Tara "Bunny Lebowski" Reid

2009-02-20T11:55:00.000-08:00

I had computer trouble yesterday thanks to my wife downloading nekkid pics of Christopher Meloni AGAIN. So here's the belated tanorexic of the day!

Poor Tara Reid. She's going to look like this stunning beauty below by next week if she doesn't start using sunscreen instead of Crisco on her skin.

Tara ranks an eight out of ten on the Hogan Hue scale.

"Your tan is too brown! Two points off for lack of orange tone, brother!"

Fuck Yeah Neil Patrick Harris

2009-02-18T18:40:00.000-08:00

NPH has become such an amazing cult figure ever since he restarted his career in "Harold and Kumar." Here is a great blog celebrating his awesomeness.

Your Daily Tanorexic

2009-02-18T17:44:00.000-08:00

Let's start this out right with the patron saint of tanorexia, Hulk Hogan. Any unattractive, unnatural and downright hideous tan will be covered in this feature, but the majority of bad tans are this particular color not found in nature. From here on out, this particular color will be known as "Hulk Hogan Orange" or "Hogan Hue." I haven't quite hit the right note on that one yet.

"We bathe in carrot juice and hemorrhoid cream daily, brother!"

Hilarious, but silly tshirt

2009-02-17T12:47:00.001-08:00

The "penis sticking out of pants" shirt. I'd like to wear one next time I stand up to ask a question when I'm in the audience on Oprah.

The Video Guide to Successful Seduction

2009-02-15T16:25:00.000-08:00

So cheesy. So serious. So beautifully '80s.

I would love to know if anyone actually scored by using this in an un ironic way.

Gawker: DC Will Never Be Cool

2009-02-13T19:18:00.000-08:00

I hate DC. I've been in this hellhole for 10 years and I'm leaving soon. I'd rather suck stale farts out of air cushions than stay here any longer, which is why I'm loving this article!

Shelter Kitty Cam!

2009-02-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

Several animal shelters have started live feeds of their rescued animals. My particular favorite is from Shadow Cat rescue in Austin:

Kitty Cam!

Vatican states that Darwin is compatible with Christianity?

2009-02-11T12:14:00.000-08:00

I would expect this from a Unitarian or Episcopalian church, but the Vatican? First Obama gets elected, now the Catholic church is coming around! I actually have hope for us!

Catholics wising up.

Best. Comic. Ever

2009-02-04T15:25:00.000-08:00

From Pants of Death: